Unattached

I'm nearing the end of four years of university, and I can't help but feel as if I'm well, old. It's a little scary, how my degree has nearly passed before my eyes, in one instance I'm glad, in another, I'm a little scared.

But there is another this which makes me feel old: Being single. It seems that in the last couple of years a lot of my friends have shacked up and settled down, and here I am still swinging about, getting pretty inebriated and generally making a fool of myself in public. It never really bothers me until you are put in the situation where you are the only single in the room, or placed at the singles table at your boss' wedding. That can just be plain awkward. Especially in the former when you're greeted with overt displays of affection. I won't lie it can make me squeamish, and a tad uncomfortable. With some people it seems that displays of affection is like a slap across the face saying 'hey you! Look what you're missing out on!'

Until I think about it, I am really happy with being single, and my single cohorts can vouch with me that having a significant other just complicates things. I for one wouldn't even have time for that other (or maybe I'm simply bad with my time management skills). I like the fact that being single and living alone, I call the shots, I cook what I like, I do what I want to without anyone else getting in my way. But when I'm around couples, at times I feel a bit well...inadequate? It makes me angry that I should possibly feel such a way, especially in today's society when women are so much more empowered and independent. But then, there's a nagging feeling. I'm happy as I am, but should I be inclined to look out for that someone? Is it really necessary? Does society expect that of me? What if I am really happy on my own? Or what then if I am really unhappy being alone, being 'unattached'? And why do people always question me as to whether I have a boyfriend!? Of course assuming that I'm heterosexual.

Does it matter? Do I really care?

All that I do know is that sometimes being around couples makes me feel like a very sad unwanted case. It brings on an early twenties crisis of crushing self-esteem that one is undesirable. It makes me wonder whether I'll end up being one of these supposed jaded women who sit on the stairs drinking gin every night.

...but then I do like gin.

Maybe it's fate?

Uno

Sometimes I don't like living on my own. Although I favour privacy and my own space, sometimes it gets to me.

I thought I got over my teenage loneliness, but I guess there are some things that don't go away.

A few years ago, I thought that it would magically disappear, but I suppose that was just wishful thinking.

Sometimes it scares me.

Of Course

I made a new friend when I went home to Kempsey, just over a week ago. There are some horses that live in a field about a ten minute walk from my house. There was a foal. It was very cute. It let us pat it, and for one our dog, Cleo didn't get jealous and scare it off.

(Photos taken with Olympus XA 35mm camera, just fuji film, 200 iso)

Introductions

Introductions are always hard.

So I've made a new journal on a new site. I was formerly kateiszig.wordpress.com, but I feel that it has past it's use by date. I don't relate to it anymore and have moved on. So here I am with a fresh start. I hope to update this fairly regularly (fingers crossed).

So, to begin with, lyrics from the title of this blog. If you know me in person, you will know that I am a avid Placebo fan. This is a really beautiful and relatively unknown song.

'The Clouds Will Open For Me' by Placebo

My guy is a tad transcontinental,
But it keeps me in shape,
Watch an old black and white movie,
Fred and Ginger are too sentimental,
Crying in shame,

I don’t want to be forgotten.

I can’t be alone,
So don’t you dare leave me
It’s like coming home
To skin that has died
Human voices like a drone
And they’re looking right through me
Scatter the ashes one more time for me.
One more, time, for me.

My guy is a tad too ornamental,
When he’s frozen in, space,
Cut your eye far to me
Covered carcasses too sentimental,
Caught on the acid wing.

I don’t want to be, forgotten.

I can’t be alone,
So don’t you dare leave me,
It’s like coming home,
To skin that has died
Human voices like a drone,
And they’re looking right through me
Scatter the ashes one more time for me.
One more, time, for me.

One more, time, for me,
One more, time, for me,
One more, time, for me,
One more time, for me-hey,
One more time, for me-hey…

Trans-likened, twisting my ankle,
Doing the grave dance,
Narcotic, yes please I’ll have a sample
Riding on my, very, last chance…

Then the clouds will, open for me
Gonna meet my, Jesus Christ
I see history, play before me,
For pleasure and passion, you pay the price

Sadness the name of the spike that took me,
I’m naked that’s all.
Like some raging hard horny Mephistopheles
That came for my soul.

(B-side to 1997 single 'Bruise Pristine' from self titled album)